Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I Don't Wanna Grow Up...

So many things have gone wrong in my life that to sit here and list them would be the beginnings of the longest pity party on Earth. I will spare the customary - (insert problem here) Bitch and moan, bitch and moan, and skip to the end where my lesson is learned or I am still confused and begin at the next day.

Why is youth wasted on the young? IF I could go back to the years in my mother's house when I was riddled with teenage angst and instead of wasting my precious youth away I would have been so much more productive. So many novels could have been written and prepped for the day when the pell grants I pissed away could have funded the pursuit to get them published. So many ideas I thought I could never do I would put to good use and try and work at.

Erma Bombeck wrote about all the things she would do if she had her life to live over. Faced with the inevitable promise of death by a disease we still are not able to cure, she laundry listed the things she realized seemed so futile when faced with the end. I am 35. Hopefully my end is not for quite a bit of time now. But when I look back at how wasteful I have been it makes me sick.

I aim to do better. I try really, really hard. With variables you cannot control it is hard to etch your life in stone. Dreams have a way of dissipating into foggy cloud cover under the constraints of reality. As a parent you give up a lot, and when you take on more responsibility than the carefree life you want can handle - you have to learn to reach further back into the underwear draw for the big girl panties you really don't want to wear.

I wish I could protect my son. I wish I could shine a flashlight on the facet of my every flaw and steer him on his road. I have given him all I can, and already I see the slacker I once was. Apparently, I was too literal in the translation of my own life, or it's in the blood.

If I have any favors left to ask for, I ask for patience. Can you just please help me gain the patience to wait for all that is coming to me. It seems so thin right now, I can't stand it.

...Cause I actually did, and I can never be a Toys-R-Us kid....

1 comment:

Jeff Gross said...

Well, those days wont come back, but what i really appreciate is that you are trying really hard and trust me these dreams will eventually turn into reality if you kept on trying harder!